Advice for living a less cantankerous life:
- Never, in a moment of weakness, buy a yacht you can’t afford. Ever.
- Never name a woman's breasts Ida or refer to them as igloos.
- Never name a man's breasts at all.
- Never wish you were thinner - it’s just a waste of a wish that could be achieved through lifestyle changes.
- Never resist buying a yacht if you can afford one – particularly a big one.
- Never intimidate the elderly. They don’t really like it.
- Never try to convince a blind person that no-one else can see either.
- Never use expressions like “big up” or “tantilising tootsies”.
- Never presume that words spelt similarly actually rhyme, like ‘blood’ and ‘good’. It leads to bad poetry.
- Never eat anything green, unless it’s green.
- Never bind people together with floss.
- Never hold your breath for longer than you can hold your breath.
<end advice>
